Tortallan Big Brother
by Pink Squishy Llama
Summary: Some of the characters from Tortall appear in Big Brother... Need I say more? Finally updatedagain!
1. Chapter 1

Big Brother Tortall Style 

A stage stood with a large crowd around it. The crowd cheered as a person walked onto the stage with a microphone.

"Welcome to Big Brother! The contestants shall be arriving shortly! But first, a commercial break!" the person announced into the microphone. The person turned out to be a girl with brown hair and blue eyes. The crowd cheered louder as the theme music played to introduce the break. The cameras stopped rolling and the girl sighed. "Okay okay, stop! You're giving me a headache…" she told the crowd sternly, who of course took no notice whatsoever. The girl growled. "People? I said PEOPLE?" she shrieked. The crew ran over to the show's host, looking terrified. "Where are the contestants? They're LATE."

"Uh… They got caught in traffic and…"

"TRAFFIC? You let them get caught in TRAFFIC?" the host demanded, then making a series of angry squawking noises as she half-strangled a technician. The technician made strangled noises, and would've sighed had it been possible as a cameraman rushed over.

"It's okay! It's OKAY!" he called. The host released the technician, who was by now bright blue. "They're here! Action!" The crew ran off set again and the crowds cheered as the theme music re-introduced the show.

"Welcome back to Big Brother. I believe the first contestant is arriving…" The camera swerved to take in the black car that was pulling up by the entrance. "Shiny!" the host said wistfully. The car door opened and out stepped Numair Salmalin. "Uh, okay…" the host said, as the crowd cheered. Numair walked up to the host and then, letting the calm façade slip completely, ran up the stairs and banged on the door. "Right. Open the doors!" the hostess called, looking slightly panicked. The doors opened slowly and the mage ran inside. The big screens either side of the stage flickered into pictures of the mage running inside, screaming, and then curling up on the sofa. "Um, okay. Oh, our next guest is arriving!" the hostess announced. Right on cue another car appeared. The door swung open and the crowd were VERY loud as King Jonathan of Conté walked quickly up to the stage, stopping to sign autographs. In the end, after ten minutes of this he had to be dragged into the house by two bodyguards. The big screens showed Jon's descent down the stairs. He walked around, before seeing Numair sucking his thumb on the sofa. Jon quickly disguised himself behind a wall, and began to spy on the mage, peeking his head around the corner every few seconds and giggling at Numair's obliviousness. The crowd's attention turned to another car parking and the door opening. Out stepped Daine. Daine blushed and walked briskly to the stage, before hurrying up the stairs. The crowd avidly watched the screens as Daine made her way down the stairs. As soon as Numair saw her, he jumped off of the sofa and hugged Daine, beginning to cry.

"Aww Numy, did they scare you?" Daine asked the mage, rolling her eyes.

"Uh huh!" Numair wailed. The host coughed into the microphone and the attention turned back to her. Another car pulled up. A small redheaded woman stepped out. Alanna growled as a lone boo came from the crowd.

"Nealan of Queenscove, I will get you!" she shrieked, lunging towards him. She was caught by the two big bodyguards and was hauled inside, cursing the whole way. Another car arrived in quick succession and out stepped Queen Thayet. The entire male proportion of the crowd promptly fainted. She made her way into the house and found Jon with Daine and Numair.

"Jon, why are you eyeing up Daine?" Thayet asked angrily. She didn't wait for an answer and slapped her husband, hurrying into the kitchen area. The screens switched off again as another car pulled up. George stepped out and smiled all the way into the house. The screens turned on and showed the current housemates talking. Numair was clinging tightly to Daine, Thayet was shouting at Jon for eyeing up Alanna and George was hiding Alanna from the king. Another car arrived as the screens went blank and a member of security opened the door. There was babble in the crowd as to where the contestant was. A small black cat jumped out and padded over to the host. The host carried Faithful up to the door.

_I don't need carrying, you know,_ the cat told her.

"Well sorry for living!" the host snapped. The doors opened and Faithful made one last rude gesture at the host before walking into the house. The screens flickered into life, showing the seating area.

"Faithful! I thought you were dead!" Alanna said happily.

_I was,_ the cat replied. Alanna shook her head and ran away from Jon who was being chased by Thayet for eyeing up Faithful, Alanna and Daine.

"Alright, we're nearly done," the host announced. The readers sighed with relief. Another car came containing Roger. Roger put on his best evil smirk for the crowds, then walking into the house. The screens turned off just as the crowd saw the housemates' jaws drop. Next to arrive was Delia, which required more slaps from Thayet, directed of course at Jon, and much holding back of Alanna by George. Next to arrive was Alex of Tirragen, which also involved much holding back of Alanna. The housemates got comfortable with each other, before the host tapped her microphone.

"Okay, we have a special guest for this series! Here they are!"

Another car pulled up. Out stepped Mithros. There was much dropping of jaws when he arrived in the house with his suitcase.

"So, that's it for tonight. Tune in next week for the first eviction!" the host called.

AN: Okay, that's chapter one. I think that's the most I've ever written for a single chapter! Review!


	2. Chapter 2

Note: Sorry, I would've updated on Monday, but of course exams have started, so yeah…

Chapter 2 

'Day 1 in the Big Brother house'

"Will Numair please come to the diary room," a voice announced. Numair looked around blinking, then made his way timidly towards the requested room. He pressed the eye button on the wall; the door opened and he went in. Numair curled up in the comfy purple chair and put his thumb in his mouth.

"Hello Numair. How are you today?"

"Can I tell you a secret?" Numair asked after shrugging.

"Okay Numair. What do you want to tell Big Brother?"

"I see… I see dead people!" Numair shrieked, then turned inward towards the chair, crying.

"What are you doing to him?" Daine shouted through the door. Daine promptly dragged Numair out.

"Big Brother house, this week's task is to do the Macarena! You have three minutes from when the klaxon sounds." A klaxon sounded and the Macarena music began to play. The housemates stood in the garden, Numair looking terrified and clinging to Daine. Thayet was slapping Jon, who was again eyeing up Alanna. Alex was hitting on Roger, and Delia was examining her nails. They all began to do the Macarena, even Numair, who seemed to be enjoying himself thoroughly. At the end of each verse, Numair would shout out loudly "Hey, Macarena!" very loudly. The klaxon went and the music stopped. Numair pouted. The music started again and the mage smiled happily, Macarena-ing again.

'Day 2 in the Big Brother house'

Jon sat in the seating area with Numair, repeating "Froot loops!" over and over again in a Swedish accent. Numair was absently doing the Macarena. Jon was eyeing up Thayet as she ate and Alex was in the shower with Roger. Mithros was doing the can-can with Alanna and Delia in the garden. By this time Roger and Alex were in the hot tub. Mithros started making out with Delia. Daine had stopped Numair doing the Macarena and was now making out with him. Jon scared Thayet by putting a crow in her hair, then pretending to 'save' her. This further intensified the make out fest.

"Noo!" Roger screamed and jumped on Jon. Jon screamed and ran away, leaving Roger crying. Thayet laughed evilly at him, before slapping him for trying to make out with her husband.

"Hey Macarena!" Numair shouted through the door. Delia came through the door and kissed Roger instead. Roger was happy again.

"Who needs Jon?" he asked Delia.

"Me!" Delia exclaimed, chasing him.

'Day 3 in the Big Brother house'

"A, B, C, D, E, F, G…" Mithros sang. Roger and Jon ran in and mooned to the camera. The girls squeaked happily, kicked Roger out of the way and crowed around Jon.

"No! Get out of the way!" the cameraman shrieked. There was an anguished growl, and the entire camera crew charged at the girls. The camera fuzzed and went blank.

'Day 4 in the Big Brother house'

Jon was trying to hypnotise Numair. Daine was a frog, sitting on Mithros' shoulder. Roger was glaring at Thayet, covered in bruises. Alex was streaking through the house, screeching as he went. Delia was in the hot tub and Alanna was stuffing her face from the fridge.

Suddenly all of the housemates stopped, tore off their clothes (apart from Alex), and streaked around the house.

'Day 5 in the Bug Brother house'

Roger was asleep in a double bed with Alex, Jon shared with Thayet, Alanna shared with Numair, Daine shared with Mithros and Delia was asleep in her own bed. Daine and Mithros and Roger and Alex were unusually close together. They all woke up at the alarm. Jon had successfully hypnotised Numair yesterday. As soon as they were all up and dressed, Jon went over to Numair and clicked him fingers. Numair immediately began to do the funky chicken.

"Oh man…" Daine said, hanging off of Mithros' arm.


	3. Chapter 3

Note: Yay. Lol. From now on it's going to be just random highlights, because a page a day is a little bit much

**Chapter 3**

'Day 7 in the Big Brother house'

7:15 pm

Jon shrieked and evaded yet another of Roger' attempts to kiss him. Jon had been conned into sharing a bed with the Duke by Delia, who was sick of his snoring. Alanna was trying to stab her pillow with her finger in her sleep. Alex was hanging from the ceiling by a rope.

"Would Roger please come to the Diary Room."

Roger rolled his eyes, and went to the designated room.

"Hello Roger."

"What do you want? Can't you see I'm busy?" Roger demanded of the voice.

"You are aware that murdering other housemates is against the rules," the voice continued, ignoring him.

"Alex was asking for it!" Roger protested.

"You are being ejected from the Big Brother house. The door is now open."

Roger screeched in anguish, then rushed out through the door.

'Day 8 in the Big Brother house'

8:10 am

"Where's Roger? And where's Alex?" Thayet asked.

"Probably eloped," Numair said, walking out of the room and sitting down in the seating area.

"Mmm. Hang on… Numair just _talked_!"

'Day 13 in the Big Brother house'

6:31 pm

Numair was teaching the other housemates the 'Cha Cha Slide' and thoroughly enjoying himself.

"The garden door is now open," a voice announced. The housemates shrieked, ran outside, and jumped into the hot tub.

"CHICKENS!" Jon shouted.

"Chickens?" the other housemates chorused back.

"Yes, chickens!" Jon ran towards the pen on the far side of the garden and began clucking to the chickens. He accidentally swore in chicken language repeatedly, and one of the chickens keeled over and died from shock.

"Chickens are pretty,

Chickens are funny,

Chickens are better,

Than an ugly bunny!" Jon recited. The other housemates groaned.

'Day 14 in the Big Brother house'

The housemates were locked in the bedroom, the reason unknown to them.

Two new housemates arrived through the door and looked around.

"Where is everybody?" the first asked.

"I'm not sure, but I expect they'll be out soon."

With that the door to the bedroom opened. The housemates spilled out of the door and stopped dead in their tracks…

A:N: Muhahaha, I shall leave you with a cliffy :P


	4. Chapter 4

Note: Okay, yes, I haven't written in ages. And okay, yes, you can kill me.

**Chapter 4 (at last)**

Eviction night

The housemates sat around on sofas.

"Big Brother House, you are live on channel 4, please do not swear," came the host's voice. "This week you were all up for eviction…"

"WHAT?" they all screamed, except for Alex who was busy being dead.

"This week you were all up for eviction. I can now reveal that the first housemate to be evicted from the Big Brother House is…"

"I'm walking!" Delia screeched.

"No you're not, you're sitting," Jon observed. Delia growled.

"Is…" the host said impatiently, "…Alex! Oh, wait, sorry. No, he's dead. Is…Faithful!" The whole house cheered, at whence point the cat hissed. "You have thirty seconds to say your goodbyes; I'm coming to get you!"

The cat said no goodbyes; only ambled over to the door.

"Faithful, you have been evicted. Please leave the Big Brother House," a voice announced. The door opened and Faithful made his way outside to much booing. He immediately pounced into the crowd of paparazzi and began to massacre them all.

"CUT!" the host screamed, and the screen cut to an advert about teabags.

Note: Yeah, short, I know. Whatever. Lol.


	5. Chapter 5

Note: I know, I know, I've been away for a while. Well, I'll give you two today then :p

Chapter 5 

Day 15 in the Big Brother House

"Hang on…" said Numair. There's been new people here and we didn't even notice!"

"Zomgggg" Daine drawled, before keeling over and lying on her back on the floor, giggling loudly. The other housemates ran into the room and started jumping on the sofas.

"Whee. Maaaan. Duuuuude!" cried Mithros.

"Whee. Maaaan. Duuuuude!" chorused the rest of the housemates.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" shouted Jon.

"What?" asked Delia, jumping on him.

"There's…zomggg…" Daine shouted, getting up and swaggering over to the door.

"NEW PEOPLE!" everyone squealed.

"Snugglefest!" exclaimed Numair. All of the housemates crowded around the door…

Note: Bwhaha. Cliffy. Okay, not really, because I'm posting another chapter with this one! I had this chapter nicely written up, but I can't find my notebook. So, when I find it, I'll post it as chapter 5.1!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 

'Day 15 in the Big Brother house'

4:38 pm

Standing in the doorway were Cleon and someone wearing a strange pink outfit consisting of a pink mini skirt and a very small pink top.

"Yay! Another girly!" shouted Mithros. The person took off their pink hat that covered their face…

"Surprise!" Roger shouted. Everyone immediately began to surge towards Cleon and hit him. Alanna tried to stab Roger, but was held back and instead joined the Cleon-bashers.

7:29 pm

"Would all of the housemates please go to the seating area and remain seated," a voice announced. The housemates squealed excitedly and hurried into the seating area.

"Zomggg, we're gonna be evicted!" Daine shrieked. Jon poked her. A pokefest ensued.

"Oooh Dainey, my looooove!" Cleon cried, and promptly fell on her. Daine squealed and ran away.

"Your task is to dress up. You have ten minutes from when the klaxon sounds," said the voice from above.

"Zomgggggs! I lurve dressing up!" Daine screamed. The housemates, headed by Cleon and Roger, rushed over to the box full of clothes in the bedroom.

"MINE!" Roger exclaimed, tugging a shiny pink dress out of Mithros's grasp. Cleon picked matching blue shiny trousers and shirt, Mithros taking a shiny yellow bikini. Daine took a big vomit-coloured dress, George taking the matching bikini. Alanna took a green mini-skirt and bikini top. Numair took a big purple dress, Jon a matching bikini. Thayet took a luminous orange bikini.

"Zomgggg," said, guess who. Everyone lined up in the garden.

"Well done. Go back inside, where your prize is waiting," announced a voice.

"YAYZORS!" Daine shrieked, and the housemates ran inside.

"DISCO!" squealed Mithros, and everyone promptly began to dance the Macarena.

NOTE: Eheheh. Review? Pweeeash?


	7. Chapter 7

Note: Long time…**NO chickens were harmed in the writing of this chapter!**

Chapter…7 Day 16 in the Big Brother house 

"I r 1337, I r 1337, I r 1337…I R 1337!!oneone!!!" shrieked Roger. All of the housemates stared at him.

"Zomggggg," said Daine. Roger climbed onto Thayet's lap and purred. Thayet screamed and grabbed a stick of bread, bashing Roger with it repeatedly. Numair was in the garden dancing with the chickens that had, incidentally, not been fed the entire time, and were now attempting to peck Numair to death.

"Would Cleon please come to the Diary Room." Cleon cried and clung to Daine. Daine kicked him away and dragged him into the Diary Room, then locked him in. A TV screen in the seating area flickered on and showed Cleon, causing Daine to contemplate throwing bricks at it. "Cleon, this is a surprise eviction. Please leave via the door to your right." All of the housemates cheered, except for Numair, who was being pecked to death outside. Cleon wailed, and was dragged out some time later by security guards. Daine did a victory dance around the house with Mithros. Numair ran inside and hid in the bedroom, covered in peck-marks. Thayet ate the bread she was still hitting Roger with, and Delia jumped on George's lap. Alanna cried and attempted to beat Delia to death with Cheesestrings. Daine was now in the bedroom making out with Numair and Mithros was poking Delia with a stick. Suddenly they heard a loud scream come from the roof, and ran outside to see what was happening.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screeched Cleon, falling off the roof and landing on a chicken, which consequently pecked him to death.

"Oh well," said Jon, and began to talk about dresses and tea parties with a chicken.

Note: Heh..eheh..eheheh…


End file.
